You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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