Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
