i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
