On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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