from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
