i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
