i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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