I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can text with my tongue
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
