I wish my penis had an off switch
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
