Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
