My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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