Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
