Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
