You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
