Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
