She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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