i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
