My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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