I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
