I CAN MOONWALK!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
