I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
