Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
