Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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