I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
