I'm really into asian looking animals
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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