im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Alive.
So much puke
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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