is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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