what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
