The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
