We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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