I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
