Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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