the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
