Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
