i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
