I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
