You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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