Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
