dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
