We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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