I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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