New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
