youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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