Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
