I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize