I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
