I cockslap morals
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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