I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize