any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
