Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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