My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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