My first STD was from a foam party
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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