from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
