I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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