I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
