just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
