Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
