So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
