I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
