I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Found your dick twin last night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
