Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I supernannyed him into submission
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
